Oi, ET. No!!!
c 1999, Rory Cargill

        It has come to the attention of the directors of The Invisible Opera Company the ever-increasing hysteria here on the internet about alien abductions and animal mutilations. The stories are disturbing and shocking, far beyond the usual 'things that go bump in the night' variety. Is this all mass hysteria fuelled by 'me-too' bandwagon jumping and opportunistic exploitation or is there an element of truth to it?
        If there are no ET's in our neighbourhood, then we can safely send all our abductees for a short holiday at the Happy Valley Home for the Emotionally Distraught. If, on the other hand, we aren't alone, then creative measures must be taken! We can't let some bunch of aliens carry on like delinquents making people run scared. It just won't do. Or, to paraphrase Harry Enfield, "Oi, ET. No!!!" They'll just have to change their ways.
        Our ace legal team here at Invisible Shipping Lines have pointed out that abduction is technically kidnapping and at this very moment is pressing for an arrest warrant against 'beings unknown' on multiple charges of kidnapping and assault at the local magistrates' court. So, next time Mr. ET pays a call, PC Plod may well be waiting for him! As regards the animal mutilations we will press for compensation for the farmers whose livestock was killed pending the outcome of investigations into weird human cult activities and insurance fraud.
        The World Invisible Amalgamation of Bakers and Bellhops fully recognizes the right of all governments to secrecy. After all, what would life in government be like if there weren't any scandals, dark secrets and skeletons in the cupboard? Very boring and dull indeed. For this reason alone, we are not pressing for Earth governments to open up establishments they run which are purported to be bases for ET activities, technology or whatever on the grounds that if they had anything to hide, they'd only move it somewhere else before they throw open the doors to the public. That would certainly keep the conspiracy theorists in a job!
        Invisible Industrie und GoFaster Farben AG recommend a more thoroughly sensible approach to the issue of ET visitors. We must make it plain that we're not interested in being 'discovered and studied' while making it abundantly clear that we have no desire to let them leave disappointed provided they behave themselves and act like the tourists, albeit interstellar ones, they really are and spend lots of money on lavish package holidays. Furthermore, we suggest that if any visiting ET's wish to set up here on Earth that they deal through estate agents like everyone else rather than making the purported 'secret deals' with governments and secret societies.
        Our Military Advisor on the Invisible International Defense Committee rattles a sensible sabre by pointing out that this planet and its' local solar system is not up for grabs. Overtly or covertly. And that his defense committee is currently advising governents to spend their defense budgets on planetary defense systems rather than the good old fashioned guns'n'bombs. By pointing out that the boys in the military-industrial complex will be able to pocket just as much kickbacks and rake-offs as before the cold war ended, the visionary IIDC is making sure that if ET wears a black hat, then we'll be able to send him packing! Furthermore, he pointed out that much of the UFO brouhaha could be averted if ET would simply register with air traffic control so as not to give our civilian and military pilots bad hair days.
        Further news has just come in from our mole at the Invisible Environmental Activists Organization, Inc. that they are starting to train their field operatives to deal with UFO/ET encounters and abduction attempts. From now on they'll be taking a more aggressive approach with the objective of catching an ET or three, their vehicle (if any) and putting them on prime-time television chat shows. Ruby Wax (Do you really have green blood? Yuk, gross! Can I see some?) and Jerry Springer (I'm an alien and I just can't help myself. I keep on abducting people!) were put forward as suitable chat show hosts with Terry Wogan (.. so tell me again, what's it really like back home?) trailing in the far distance.
        The Invisible Casting Agency notes with alarm the current trend amongst chat shows to present 'fake' guests and is currently cleaning up its' roster. Our resident impresario went to great lengths to emphasize that under no circumstances would he stoop to such depths as it would only aggravate his bad back and that the truth alone, not filthy lucre, would be reward enough in itself.

Mad about ET's!!!