Extraterrestrials' Survey
c 1999, Rory Cargill

     This is the preliminary edition of the Invisible Institute for Exobiological Research's multiple-choice survey questionnaire for those of you from other planets. If you're from another world and you're passing through or visiting for any other reason, please take a moment to fill out this questionnaire. It will help us make your stay a pleasurable and worthwhile experience. We cater for a wide range of tastes. Your co-operation will help us to make your experience on our planet as pleasant as possible. Here at the Invisible Intergalactic Tourist Board, we have the services you need:

  • Ironing out those unfortunate little wrinkles that can occur on a badly-organized adventure before they even occur using our patented timeline rewriter technology.
  • A negotiation package to finalize the itinerary of your planned activities. We are uniquely placed to negotiate on your behalf with all and any governmental and non-governmental organizations.
  • Full insurance for healthcare and damage liability coverage.
  • 3rd party insurance and damage liability coverage at competitive rates.
  • Professional escort and security services for the duration of your stay.
  • Disaster recovery and damage limitation consultancy in the event of misunderstandings.

     Please note that as of the time of writing all visitors to this planet are required to take out a minimum of 3rd party damage liability insurance and that any security arrangements must be staffed with terrestrial humans. We strongly recommend that you make adequate security arrangements.

         1) What was your main reason for coming to this planet?
  • Exploration and/or Adventure.
  • Research and/or Academic.
  • Package holiday.
  • Colonial administration.
  • Rape, pillage & plunder.
  • On the run.
  • Got lost and ended up here by mistake.
  • Political asylum.
  • Lunatic asylum.
  • None of the above.

         2) What has been the most unforgettable experience of your visit so far?
  • Being worshipped by hordes of gullible humans.
  • Watching my best friend being dissected after we crash-landed in New Mexico.
  • Sunset in Tibet.
  • Leaving. I couldn't get away soon enough.
  • Being offered up as a sacrifice to the sun-god. I was very lucky to escape alive.
  • Giving Moses his 10 Commandments. I got a real kick out of laying on the theatrics.
  • Surfing, skiing and shopping for souvenirs.
  • Looking up at night and seeing my home world's sun.
  • Discovering that humans had evolved independently of any other species in this galaxy.
  • Discovering that others in this galaxy have had a hand in human evolution.
  • None of the above.

         3) How would you sum up your stay here to a friend back home?
  • A nice place to visit with plenty of towels.
  • Poisonous atmosphere, poisonous people, avoid like the plague.
  • Easy meat. Ripe for conquest.
  • A drab, uninteresting place rating less than one star in the Good Planet Guide.
  • They'll never find you here!
  • I hope I'm still alive when the search party arrives.
  • I knew I made a mistake as soon as I got here.
  • Never trust a phrase book.
  • Avoid the humans and any other predators and you'll have a great time.
  • Once you get acquainted with the locals and their ways, you'll have a great time.
  • None of the above.

         4) How did you get here?
  • Sub-light vehicle.
  • Faster-than-light vehicle.
  • Dimension gate.
  • Improbability drive.
  • Warp drive.
  • Tardis.
  • #37 bus.
  • I wasn't looking.
  • I didn't ask. I was lucky to get a lift.
  • Classified, I can't tell you.

         5) How would you sum up the human race?
  • A shower of congenital idiots who couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.
  • Paranoid and gullible in equal measure.
  • Could do better.
  • A danger to the rest of the galaxy.
  • A danger to themselves.
  • A pushover.
  • Primitive and colourful with richly varied cultures.
  • Divided, stupid and easily manipulated.
  • Intelligent? That lot? Give me a break!
  • The future's so bright, they're gonna need shades.
  • None of the above.

Mad about ET's!!!