Reptoids A-Go-Go
c 2002, Rory Cargill

     The Reptoid brouhaha has well and truly caught the Invisible Family Planning Clinic totally off-guard. Those scaly ne'er-do-wells seem to be everywhere. Scurrying in and out of our mythology, history books, underground caverns, secret societies, poorly-lit cupboards and overblown rumour, they leave behind the spoor of a depraved and dastardly fiendishness. This is an issue that has brought together various departments of the far-flung Invisible Enterprises Multinational business empire to bring the troubled populace of our dear planet a variety of solutions. First and foremost is our desire to redress the balance with a sense of proportion and the rule of law.
     The board of directors would like to point out that we always extend the hand of friendship to those who come in peace, especially those who avail themselves of the extensive range of products and services delivered by the Invisible Hypercorporation. On the other hand, talk alone is insufficient a way to deal with criminals and malefactors. Action must need to be taken as and when the occasion arises. These grave allegations against the Reptoid community are being investigated as I speak and I can now outline measures being taken by the Invisible Piano-Movers Collective.
     Our Invisible Fashion Accessories Division, famous purveyors of Emperor's New Clothes throughout the known universe, have noted that Reptoid skin is extremely hardwearing and durable, making it eminently suitable for such applications as footwear, handbags, suitcases right down to the humble scouring pad used for everyday dishwashing. Even as this press release is brought to you, our hyperactive purchasing agents are quietly building up a stock of Reptoid hide in order to corner the market upon the launch of our all-new Reptoid Designer Wear and Fashion Accessories line.
     Unfortunately the Invisible Catering division has discovered to their dismay that Reptoid flesh is not only tough, stringy and unpleasantly gamey, but also totally unfit for human consumption. Therefore, our surplus stock of Reptoid carcasses have been shipped over to our Invisible Petfoods warehouses where it is currently being tested in a variety of guises on our top tasters, Fido and Felix. We hope to release our new range of pet food with added Reptoid as soon as the preliminary testing can be completed.
     These measures are only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg as far as the League of Invisible Ectoplasm Diviners and Occult Spiritualists is concerned, as we always go that extra mile for our customers and shareholders alike. To wit, we have brainstormed our way through several cases of sherry, designer drugs and trendy alcopops with your best interests held dear to our booze-sodden hearts and commissioned the construction of a secure and escape-proof detention facility where these Reptoid malefactors can be safely incarcerated and studied by our expert teams of medical researchers.
     Invisia, formerly known as Invisible Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Products gmbh, has been commissioned to study the Reptoid biochemistry in our search for chemical and biological warfare agents to rid our planet of this unwanted infestation and has vowed not to rest until the job is done. Development is well under way of our hand-held Invisible Reptoid Detector Kit. As soon as testing is complete, we will commence mass-production of these devices at all Invisible Industries manufacturing plants across the world and distribute them free-of-charge to all and sundry making use of our vast retail distribution network.
     As surely as I stand here on my box of Deluxe Invisible Soap Flakes pontificating on behalf of the huddled masses gathered before me, The Association of Invisible Flower Arrangers will pay any price and bear any burden in the struggle that lies ahead. It may be long and difficult, but our cause is just and we will prevail. Let me speak loud and clear to those who would seek to abuse our good nature and prey upon us: "Your time is over. We will uncover you wherever you hide and drive you out. We will not rest until you and your wickedness have been put to an end. We will fight them on the beaches, in the streets, at the hairdresser's"

[Sound of off-mike shuffling and muttering voices]

     "What's that? You say some bullies at school took your lunch money? Yes, that's dreadful. I'm very sorry to hear that, boys. Come to my office after assembly and I'll look into it for you."

[Agitated squawking in the background]

     "Oh, I'm sorry. That's your sister. She has very pretty yellow eyes."

[Three indistinct teenage voices babbling at once. Rustling and bumping noise as the speaker moves the microphone]

     "What's that? No, you can't get out of humanities class, it's a required class. I can't change the syllabus just because you're from another planet."

[Barely audible disappointed voices]

     "Yes, you can have the day off school because your mother's laid an egg. But you'll really have to do something about your attendance, Schzatlyk, Mr. Gupta thinks you're taking too much time off."

[Speaker turns back to the audience]

     "That concludes this morning's assembly at Interplanetary High School. Don't forget to support our football team on Thursday night in their match against Dimsdale Comprehensive."

[Speaker walks away and leaves microphone switched on. The entire school overhears...]

     "Have you seen where I put my medication, Ms. Jones?"

Mad about ET's!!!